2011

It’s already begun. I see it on Facebook every day. “2011. Worst. Year. Ever.” “I can’t wait until this year is OVER!” “Bring on 2012, it has to be better than 2011.”

Six months ago, I would have been on that bandwagon. I get it. It has been a hell of a year for a lot of us. As many of you know, 2011 had a pretty rough start for me. Illness, unemployment, financial struggles, and depression were major themes for me for the first half of the year.

Somewhere along the line, things started to change. I guess I just stopped fighting the bullshit. I accepted the gifts I was being given. I spent time with my kids. I took care of myself. From my amazing friends I was given support, understanding, and little ways to ease my financial burden.

Little by little things started falling into place. I applied for school and was accepted. I got some temporary jobs to carry me through. I started to enjoy life. I started to find some balance.

Not that it’s always been smooth sailing. Along with all the blessings, the bullshit kept coming. We’re down to one car, we need a new furnace, and we still don’t have health insurance. After a particularly bad week, during which time, my son was suspended (again), my bathroom sink (literally) fell apart, and my bedroom ceiling started falling (because we need a new roof), I had a meltdown.

I was beside myself. I started doubting everything. Again, I sought out the wisdom of a friend. My friend W moved out of the state a few months ago. We’ve known each other for about 20 years. We’re kindred spirits. We both seem to always be searching. Anyway, I immediately thought of W even though we haven’t talked in a while. Of course he was just a text away.

I told him how I was questioning things. That it sucked because I’d been riding a real high lately and it just came crashing down. That the high I’d been feeling was the best I’d felt in years. That maybe I’d found some balance, but I wasn’t sure, because of the crash. That the jaded pessimistic side of me was telling me it was just an illusion.

What he said next was profound. He said if the high, the balance, was genuine, that I would be able to hold onto its roots.

W: Striving to be healthier is never an illusion

Me: No, but thinking that would be enough probably was

W: What is enough?

Me: Enough to get by. Enough to make all the rest of the bullshit bearable.

W: Maybe that doesn’t exist. Meaning that “enough” might not be the goal you really want.

Me: Then what? All I know how to do is get by.

W: Then you need to find out what will make you happy, since getting by isn’t satisfying you.

Me: I thought that’s what I was doing.

W: When it’s real, it’s relentless.

Me: I’m not sure what that means.

W: It means that the thing that drives you won’t just stop on a bad day.

 See? Profound.

 So, I’m back at it. I’m working toward my goal and trying not to let my bad days get me down. 2011 has been one of the worst and one of the best years for me. And although I have lots of awesome adventures I’m looking forward to in 2012, I can’t even say that I’m anxious for it to be over. I think it may still have something left to give.

~ by midlifecrisisfun on December 6, 2011.

One Response to “2011”

  1. And that, was a simply profound post.

    One of your best yet, and i can’t wait to hear of your 2012 adventures – but only after the ones forthcoming in 2011 have been realized =)

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